A love letter to Love itself.
Blog Overview: Intimacy / Retemplatizing / Mending
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My best friend, soul ally, right-hand woman, “ex-partner” (yet forever partner) named Saora is leaving Kaua’i in a few days and my heart is grieving.
This is a love letter for her, but for you all as well. It’s a love letter to Love itself. May it touch the parts of you that wholeheartedly remember a variety and expression of fearless, unbridled love that does not know of suffering.
In order to know me, you must know her, the woman who has walked by my side for just over a year, hand in hand, bringing me closer to God. She has never shown me the way, rather pathways, invitations to reclaim sovereignty and wholeness and, as she would emphasize, “bring them all the way through”. In our travels together, she has guided me to see that one’s eternal union with God inherently brings more healing to the Collective, which has entrained within me the impact of embodiment.
Because when I am living in my fully authentic and vulnerable soul-center, I am closer to heaven on earth, thereby inviting others to find their own way, whether I simply offer an example or actually share clues to support their journey. This orientation to service has been the driving force to liberate myself away from the cyclical ego and back to the Light.
I want to profess to the world how devoted I am to this woman, because a love like ours is rare.
A love like ours is lotus-like, muddy beneath the reflective waters and full of poise above.
A love like ours is the sustenance to push through the hard times.
It requires me to pull back the layers that dampen my light, my truth. Disempowerment and lack of faith impact our precious relationship, which we tend to as we would a child, so those patterns must transform. Holy devotion drives her and washes over me. Whenever I stray from the highest frequency (to which I have accessed), I’m impacting her and what we’re cultivating. There’s always room for mistakes with her, don’t get me wrong. Never have I met someone so forgiving. But when you have someone like Saora in your life, staying stagnant is simply not an option. Evolution is the driving factor and bridge to our reunion in this dimension. We have shared lifetimes in many forms and families…and the impact is safety, comfort, and foundational trust yet radical change and the awareness of the magnificent unknown.
Our connection is the root system of an exquisite tree, allowing our earthly exploration to be the branches stretching toward the infinite sky.
A love like ours is indeed rare.
But respect and compassion haven’t always been the energy driving our connection, at least on my end.
Let me back up a bit and share our history.
For those of you who don’t know Saora, it’s vital you understand the significance of our meeting.
In the Summer of 2022, I was camping in a secluded sacred Valley for 5 weeks all by myself. I’d wake up in the mornings, rinse in the icy waterfall and begin my extended practice of writing, meditation, and yoga before opening a binder with 200+ pages of the first draft of my fantasy fiction novel. I’d spend 6 hours of editing a day, plowing through the book. Birds were my company of choice…until chapter 6 came around. That’s when Saora walked up to my campsite, right as I finished taking notes for the very last paragraph of the day.
No one ever approached my zen-den except Saora and her friend that afternoon.
“This is my campsite,” she told me. “I had a vision that this is where I was meant to camp.”
Inwardly I rolled my eyes, my territorial instincts kicking in, but I liked them immediately. “I’m happy to show you some other nice spots.” That day was the most I spoke to anyone in half a moon cycle.
Something woke up inside of me and for the next 4 days, we were drawn to one another like magnets, especially when we embarked on a light mushroom journey, a journey toward an awakening filled with quantum realizations, pure magic full of rainbows and chemistry. We rolled in dry grass, stroking one another’s hair, bathed in the sunset’s glory, and lit a fire in recognition of our remembrance. She first saw the lion in my heart through the flames, then I stoked it with large logs, making a bed of coals that would keep us warm for about 4-5 months.
But the fire burned too quickly, it seems, and I forgot to tend to it.
I poured myself into self-work so that when she returned to me after her own 7-week solo pilgrimage, I would again bask in reunion. That was not the case…
You must understand…Saora is a very particular creature. She experiences the world with far greater sensitivity and awareness than any other being I’ve ever met. And the identity structures to which I was firmly attached were immediately threatened by her perceptiveness. I fled from her love…well, in all truth, I pushed her away. I gave her the finger, energetically, and went on with my life, absolutely convinced she was the problem. This pattern ensued for about a moon phase. It was the cringiest time of my life and she saw me at my worst. Not only that, she endured some very unloving behavior from me. Like….very ugly behavior. I’d repent…but it would repeat. It was exhausting and confronting for both of us, and she had enough.
Saora retreated to the foundations of herself through reconnecting with her blood family in Australia, taking retreat from having to hold and guide so much of my process.
Life was showing me how little I knew…
My openings to love and closures in separation were constant for the next six moon phases and I became unreliable…untrustworthy.
I was desperate for these patterns to unwind themselves. But I was equally stubborn because the fabric of the pain-bodies playing through me were more comfortable and practiced. For too long I had forgotten the real me behind all the facades. I was doing my best to weave a new tapestry, but threading new patterns takes practice before it’s done naturally and effortlessly.
We reached a critical point right before her visit to Kaua’i about two moons ago. She pointed to my distance from her (energetically) and severe lack of consideration. My claws came out, but mostly the excuses: “I’m busy.” Really what I was saying was: “I don’t need you right now.”
I’d turn to her when I needed support. She always picked up the phone and made herself available, but the imbalance was obvious. I was not acting as a true friend. My focus was entirely oriented on my experience and I took for granted that she would always be there for me. My projections were constant and she was always the one to blame for our movement apart.
The synergy from which our soul reunion began was nonexistent.
My selfishness added up and she didn’t feel a friend in me.
“I don’t want to be friends with you like this,” she confessed, and a bomb exploded in my heart hearing her take space. She was fed up. We reached a tipping point and some small part of me deep within the caverns of my Heart whispered, “don’t let her go,” even though the much louder ego did everything to push her away, getting defensive, and making so many excuses for my behavior. (I now know that whenever this energy arises, it’s the pain-body fearing a loss of control…which it is!)
This disconnection and dismissal continued in subtle ways when she returned to the island. I was worse for it…smashed. Life had no sparkle, but it wasn’t because of our lack of connection necessarily. Life was pointing to the fact that I was ungrateful, addicted to the looping familiarity of playing small, helpless, and confused. It just also manifested in our relationship…that’s to be expected, yea?
Kaua’i gifted me with a wake-up call and Saora was the spokeswoman. She pointed to my dissatisfaction and fixation on what I demanded of life (i.e. - a house and greater financial security), which really spoke to the ego running the show. I needed something outside of myself to feel secure within (read “Inner-Sanctuary” for more!).
It took a solid solo camping trip to Polihale to shake off this energy. For most of that retreat I laid around reading a book called “How Yoga Works.” The shift happened when reading the chapter about respecting your teacher. It pointed to the necessity of honoring the lineage of wisdom. Respecting your teacher would inherently honor those before them who had passed down this intelligence.
I called Saora as I was having my ah-ha moment in recognition of her being my greatest teacher to date. I took responsibility for treating her as one would relate with an annoying relative, with disregard and frustration. I was choking back sobs, professing to my best friend and teacher that I felt great remorse for the lack of respect I’ve offered her since she left for Australia, which was our unspoken un-parting.
There were layers of rejection that made me want to keep her away because she reflected all the false aspects of self that feared greater depth and vulnerability. But there was also an imbalanced outward-looking desire for connection, which came across as grabby or needy and mostly selfish. My core wounds were playing themselves out and I didn’t want to face the fact that I had to make some big inward shifts.
She felt the sincerity in my realization and that was all it took for us to organically retemplatize…essentially finding a new relational dynamic.
Gradually, I reconnected with truer aspects of Self. I naturally felt more inclined to devote to my morning practice. The food I ate was cleaner and lighter. I spent more time in the Ocean, remembering her aliveness. Little by little, I was recalibrating.
I had reached critical mass…the patterns within myself, which were fiercely projecting stories onto her, were no longer running the show.
Low and behold, Saora and I began sharing in more intimacy and joy! It rolled through us and became blatantly obvious that we were redefining our intimacy energetics. My Spirit was alive and online, matching her own vitality and expansion. We shared in more laughter and play, began simultaneously advancing our personal offerings, and even had the honor of witnessing one another’s miraculous healings.
Tears of gratitude for her have rolled through me in the most mundane moments, my guidance pointing to a lifelong alliance. I treasure her, see her, and accept her more fully. On multiple occasions in the last couple weeks, I could literally see our highest selves dancing in the cosmos, overjoyed with how we’ve so tenderly prioritized making space to cultivate and harness our shared loved language.
I know her deepest fears and she knows mine. We make requests and offer feedback constantly in order to maximize harmony. When there’s discord, we pivot…and do our best to laugh. There’s a constant negotiation between what’s stored as memory in our body and what it means to truly live in the present. Together, we acknowledge and allow space for our protective pain-body mechanisms while also trusting in one another’s capacity to do the inner-work.
We’ve realized that our connection cannot be contrived. The invitation for us is to ground in this new level of intimacy and see through the veil of illusion together, hand in hand. Or across the Ocean. But always in the Heart.
Saora, this one’s for you.
Thank you for seeing me better than I can see myself. Who knew one year could be so expansive? And what’s to come? Knowing us, it’ll be alchemical and magical and graceful and kind with a whole lot of fire and water and steam.
I’m here for all of you.
Blessings to all the Masters who have transferred this intelligence to me in the perfect timing…and to the sacred Valley for guiding my best friend to my campsite. And to the version of myself in another timeline who is guiding me so perfectly toward quantum activations, offering me the perfect lessons to remember that I literally have no clue who I am.
“Because you’re all of it. And none of it.”
- Saora Love
Peace and bliss be with us. Love, Riddle
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